Tough Day

Dear Child of Mine,

I'm having a *really* tough day. I'm blogging about it in the hope that I'll sort my head out.

I've had a couple of real concerns about pregnancy recently. Firstly, I have very short labours and I live rurally. If your birth is as fast as David's, then I won't make it to the hospital on time. I want to have a home birth, but I have a high BMI, so I know it's contra-indicated. I've tried hard to find out the information I need about how I will be treated, but it seems that no-one will discuss this with me seriously until I get pregnant. Which seems like madness.

Secondly, I am really concerned about my ME. I've been good recently - I still get tired, but if I am sensible then I can manage a "normal" day of work and family with no problems. I've been trying to raise my stamina since July and, to be honest, it is making a difference. Part of me thinks that if I just start living a normal life. then this ruddy illness will go. However. What if it doesn't? What if, unlike most people with CFS, it doesn't abate during pregnancy. What if it gets worse? This doesn't worry me as much, but what scares me is this: what if I get sick when you are a baby? How will I look after you?

Yesterday I asked the advice of a good friend who had CFS and, since her diagnosis, has had two pregnancies and is training to be a midwife. She gave me some good advice. She felt better in both her pregnancies, and has clearly gone on to not only look after her babies, but also train to be a midwife. This is reassuring. She also told me that, with my doctor's agreement, I'll more than likely be able to continue with my CFS medication. This is a great relief. However, she ended up saying that she worries that I'm taking on too much.

This freaks me out. How can I get better if I don't take on more? On the other hand, I am taking on a lot after a period of illness, and I can't bear the thought of giving any of it up. I am really motivated by the things I am doing. Specifically these are: my sewing work and professional writing / the OU degree I've just started. Things I can't change that I need to manage are: my marriage, my older children and our wider families.

I am angry with our wider families. They never help us out or look after the children, and this makes me really cross. Yet they are demanding of our time and attention, and all feel as though we should be looking after them. This makes my piss fizz. It's unreasonable of me, though, I know. If they decided that they were going to make a life change, but they needed me once a week / month whatever, then I'd be cross. Would I feel this way about helping out with my Grandchildren? Hmm, I don't know. I'd like to think that I would be happy to help out. I don't expect them to help with the childcare, but to take the kids out, or even to make it look as though they're looking forward to their company is not too much to ask, is it? Our mothers especially cause us a lot of stress. I can't see this going away as they get older, either. In fact, I think their expectation of us and our time is going to increase significantly. It makes me incandescent that they expect us to look after them when they've not offered us any support as a family. However, this is unfair of me, and really, I can refuse, can't I? When they are actually old and infirm, which may not be for another 20 or so years, then it will be up to us - and whoever else is left - to decide on the appropriate course of action. Which probably will not be them living in our home. Both Papa and I have siblings who don't help out - if we became less available, then this might force them into helping out more.

It makes me cross that I may have to think about curtailing my family because our families are unsupportive. Papa and I have talked many times about what their reactions to a possible pregnancy will be. At no time have we imagined them saying anything nice. I think that just about sums things up. I *really* don't want to have to adjust my plans because of their lack of support - but I do need to be practical, and it's possible I'll be sick after you are born.

Which brings me on to Papa. I adore him, I hope you can tell. He is a loving, faithful, kind man and a good father to Peter and David. However, he's a man of limited energy and he gets very stressed when he's tired. He won't get up in the night with you, under pretty much any circumstances. He's also not great with the demands of small babies. He's very process driven and wants everything to be as efficient as possible. Life has taught me that babies are anything but efficient. He's not especially patient. I don't doubt that he will love you, and support you, me and the boys. But he is not the sort of man who will be happy to pick up the childcare that I can't manage, and to be fair to him, his job is very demanding and will not allow him to do this. I tried to talk to him about my feelings and doubts last night. I wanted him to reassure me that he was looking forward to having another baby together. Instead he said "I'm worried about these things too, you know how I feel." I asked him if he still wanted to go ahead and try, and he said "yes, but it's complicated." Yes, yes it is.

Yet again, I am facing the likelihood of a pregnancy that my parents will moan about and my husband will dread. I feel very resentful that they've never supported me. When I hear of parents who burst into spontaneous tears of joy upon hearing the news of a pregnancy, I actually feel very jealous. Similarly with husbands: I know Papa wants another baby, he would not have agreed to try to conceive if he did not. He often talks quite enthusiastically about you. But he's pessimistic by nature, a bit doom and gloom, and would prefer to say "oh shit, we've fucked everything up" upon hearing of a BFP, than "that's wonderful, darling." Of course, he's a good man and he will make sure we have a good life. He will provide for us and love us. But his love is a slow burn, and he's not going to rush to be supportive of me when things are tough. His first thought will always be for himself.

And so, because of the people around me, I have to decide whether or not I can continue down this road. It really, really fucks me off that it's the 21st century and the burden of childcare still falls pretty much solely on the mother. Is it wrong to feel resentful? Should I expect support? Am I just being unrealistic, or ungrateful? Is it sensible to assume that the CFS symptoms will go away with pregnancy and not return afterwards? What worries me is that it will be Peter and David and I who end up doing all the hard work.

As for me, well I will have to give up my business pursuits, but possibly not my degree. It's possible that I can do enough work during naps and evenings to make sure that I pass my course. Will we have enough money though?

Money is tight right now. We manage month to month, but we don't save enough. We're just about to remortgage, so there is an opportunity for us to relieve this a little by extending our mortgage terms by a year or two, which would make things easier. But I won't be able to work properly with a small baby, and we won't be able to afford childcare this time, unless I get a well paid, regular job. Would that be a bad thing?

- - - BUT - - -

Then, there's me thinking that a baby will ruin my life forever. But the other perspective is that this is for three years. Three short years. Then the baby will be at school, part time at least, and I will have time to build my business again, taking on more professional writing again, and finish my degree. Assuming I get pregnant in the next few months, it will be 2015 when I start to get some help with the childcare. I will be 41. Is it going to be any harder starting my career at 41 than it is at 37?! In seven years, I'll be in the same situation as I am now: I'll have a six year old, a 13 year old and a 21 year old. I'll be 44. Is 44 too old?! No, of course not.

This is not forever. Having a son or daughter, with all the love and pleasure that brings, is.

Maybe we can scrape by financially. We're likely to have to work 5 years longer at least than we were when we started our careers. Maybe the advantage of that is making things easier at this time in our lives. Maybe my career can be turned down a notch whilst things change in the short term. Maybe it gives me time to do my degree, so that when the baby starts school I will be finished and ready for a new challenge. My degree takes 5 years to complete, part time. I must, however, ring-fence the finances to make this happen. I must make it clear to Papa that I expect to have the time to do this too, over the years.

We're not going to be able to rely on our families for practical support, and that remains a bummer. But, maybe a baby gives us an excuse to not be available quite so much. Maybe we can have that chat that says "look, much as we love you, we're really struggling with our own lives and, unless you can be more positive, then you've got to stop moaning." And really, if they're not going to help, they've vetoed their right to have any say in how we run our lives.

I can't bear the idea that my baby making days are over. I'd so love another baby, dear child. You would be loved and adored, by all of us. I've just lost my confidence that I can rely on myself. Six years ago I felt as though I could take on the world. Now I'm not even sure I can live a normal life. Is that confidence rather than fact? I'm so cross that I'm even having to have these thoughts.

I wish there was some sort of guarantee. I think, though, that in the process of getting all this out and written down, I've realised what I'm prepared to sacrifice. Marriage and older children - no, no way. Degree - no, it's my future. It's going to be expensive, and I'm going to have to be creative to find the time to get it done, but I'm not giving it up. I've got 10 years to complete it, so even if I must postpone, it doesn't mean I will give up. Also, God willing, if I have a pregnancy full of energy (or at least with more energy than I've had recently), I really need to use that time finding paid jobs, to build up a little fund that I can put towards my degree.

As for how I'll cope in the first few months - I'm really scared. Absolutely crapping myself. But I'm not going to know until the time is upon us. And I have two wonderful sons that we've brought up rather well, if I do say so myself. There's no real reason, that I can see, that we're not going to be able to do that again. I just need to be brave. Or accept that I'll only ever be Mama to two.

With much, much love,
Mama x

UPDATE: Papa and I went for a walk when he came home from work, and I talked him through the things I mentioned here. He was kind, encouraging and positive. I love him so much it hurts.