Dear Child of Mine,
Yesterday Papa and I talked about you. I try not to talk to Papa too often because I want him to decide for himself that he wants us to have another baby, rather than be hectored into it. On the other hand, if I never mention you at all he would quite happily never give the matter another thought. It's a tricky balance to get right.
Anyway, he knows how I feel. I can't remember how the conversation came about, but he asked me the reasons why I want another baby. These are some of the reasons I gave. I wanted to write them down for prosperity.
1) Because I love Papa very much, and I would love to have another of his babies.
2) Because I would love to see how another baby of ours would turn out. Would you be dark haired or fair? Quiet and content, or stroppy and bolshy? Musical or sporty, or something else?
3) Because I love Peter and David very much. Yes, I have found motherhood challenging, but they are the most important things in my life by far. Surely another child would just add new love and joy, long term?
4) Because Peter is almost 14 and I assume he'll leave home to go to university in four years' time. I would like him to feel part of the bigger family, rather than him feel that we had another family once he had left.
5) I think Peter would be a great help. He might not be great with a tiny baby, but before long he could babysit for the odd hour or two, taking the pressure off Papa and I somewhat.
6) Because we'll only be a family of five for a few short years. After Peter leaves, it'll be the same as having two children.
7) I think David would be an amazing older brother. I think he'd find it tough, but I think having a baby brother or sister would be good for him long term.
8) Because right now my career would not be too disrupted. I could still write and bring home the same salary. I could restart my career properly once and for all once the child raising years are over.
9) We now have well established routines and a baby would fit into those. They're not unchangeable; more that I am at home, I do the school run, I make dinner at the same time each day, etc. We are settled.
10) I could write the book whilst pregnant, and receive the royalties when the baby is small.
11) We have a nice, large bedroom that would fit a crib very easily.
12) We have a spare room that could easily be a nursery. It even has a king size bed in, so on nights when you cried a lot, dear child, I could sleep with you and Papa could sleep undisturbed.
13) We have a seven seater car. You children could all fit on the back seat, or David could go in seat behind.
14) We have all the baby equipment from last time, so it'd cost very little. The only real outlay would be if you were a girl, dear child, then we would need to buy you clothes. However, with the unisex ones we already have, the gifts you are inevitably given when a baby is born, and what I can make I don't think this would be very costly.
15) I'd REALLY love to have a daughter. I wouldn't be at all disappointed if you are a boy, I have two sons and I know what to expect with boys.
16) We have names picked out for you already. If you are a boy you will be called Harry. If you are a girl you will be called Lottie.
17) Raising David was bloody tough. However, we know a lot more with the benefit of hindsight than we did at the time. Any slight hint of a lactose intolerance and we'd be down to the doctors quick-smart. The same situation wouldn't repeat itself.
18) I had post natal depression with David. Again, I know the signs and will be down to the docs to take anti-depressants at the first sign of trouble. Realistically, even if the worse were to happen, we have new knowledge and new coping strategies.
19) Peter was a wonderfully easy baby. I'd like to experience motherhood again so that I can feel less guilty about David's babyhood. I'd like to be able to conclude that the problems we faced were because it was a tough time for all of us, rather than because *I* couldn't cope.
20) Although we don't have a lot of support from our families, we're that much more confident at ignoring all their well intended advice. We have an excellent nursery and an excellent primary school nearby.
And there you have it. 20 reasons why we should have another baby right now - and I haven't even mentioned my age.
Papa didn't seem browbeaten, and he didn't offer opposing arguments too much. He nodded and smiled, and engaged with the reasons. He did say "oh, I don't know" once or twice, and he did say "but it's a gamble."
Yes, it is. Papa, I understand your concerns completely. I wish it were an easier decision.
Sleep tight, little one,
Mama x
An open letter to our mythical third child. Will he or she ever exist?
Friday 24 June 2011
Thursday 23 June 2011
50 things about me
Dear Child of Mine,
I don't really have any strong religious views - none that I'm happy to share publicly anyway. However, the very premise of this blog is suggestive of a religious viewpoint as I'm talking to you about life before birth. I kinda wanted to point out that haven't got a drum to bang though.
When David was a baby, he was very unhappy. He cried, screamed, grumped and whinged his way through the first year of his life. Lord, he was so wanted, but he was so hard to live with. In the depths of the night, one of the only ways that I could feel good about the situation was to believe that Papa and I had been picked as his parents because we would not give up on him, and we would love him no matter how hard it was to do so. It was a wise thought because now he is bright, friendly, chatty and confident. You will love him, but he will also drive you a bit mad. That's just how David is.
The idea that someone - maybe you - can choose us as parents is reassuring. It's also interesting as David has long been so insistent about life before birth. These days he's convinced he was a monkey, but he's a bit muddled about evolution. He used to tell me he was happy in the days before he was born. I will write my letters to you in this spirit.
Anyway, on the off chance that it's you that gets to pick us, I suppose you want to know some facts about me. So here are 50.
1) I am 37 years old. I am continually surprised at my mother's view of how this makes me unsuitable for parenthood. To her, being an "older mother" is a thing of great shame.
2) I love Papa more than I can even begin to articulate. He can be a right grump, and he can be very bossy. But he's a good, decent, kind man and every day I am amazed that I managed to find such a wonderful man.
3) A couple of years ago I had a nervous breakdown. I had pushed myself too hard for too long. My business went bust, having worked for 60+ hours a week for two years. It took me a long time to forgive myself, because I felt criminally guilty for a very long time. However, I have seen the therapist and taken all the tablets, and have been drug and therapy free for a long time now. My secret is this: I am not quite sure who I am anymore.
4) My favourite thing to do is to stay at home. I have lots of lovely hobbies, interests and pursuits here, and I could quite happily not see anybody. I am not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing.
5) Despite winning the school high jump championship when I was 11, I am about the most un-sporty person I know.
6) I really rather enjoy grisly crime dramas and am not squeamish in the slightest.
7) except when it comes to vomit. I can steel myself when my children are sick, but I hate it. When I am sick myself I turn into the world's biggest baby.
8) I used to be a secondary school teacher, and then an advisor. I earned more money than I ever dreamed I would. These days I work for peanuts.
9) I loved work. I don't know whether I'll ever be well enough to go back to full time work as I know it, but I should like to.
10) I am learning to play the piano.
11) I have always wanted to visit Japan, especially Tokyo.
12) I love to sing. HOW I love to sing! Sadly, I am rubbish at singing. However, when Papa and I have had a drink and everyone else has gone to bed, we very often have a sing around the piano. Papa also sings badly.
13) People used to tell me I was pretty, but I am a faded, Bagpuss-esque version of my old self. Baggy and a bit loose at the seams. But I actually prefer myself this way.
14) I've got out of the habit of daily grooming. I shower, and I wear clean clothes, but I don't wear make up or do my hair. I don't shave my legs very often either. The thrill of not doing it is deeply enjoyable, and I love to just be myself. When I do make the effort, I feel beautiful. A lot of the mums in the playground think I'm a bit odd, but to me it feels like a win-win situation!
15) I love pretty magazines, especially interiors magazines. There's something lovely about nice pictures.
16) I love the smell and feel of soft cotton. Getting into a freshly made bed is one of the biggest pleasures in my life.
17) I drink too much wine and I eat too much chocolate. I need to lose weight. I should really make more effort to do this.
18) I LOVE to make things. I can knit, crochet, sew, paint, quilt - all sorts of things. I am at my happiest when I am making something.
19) I need 8 hours sleep a night in order to function. This is incompatible with early parenthood.
20) I have started knitting baby clothes for you. This is a secret because, frankly, it's a bit weird and fits into the arena of the unhinged. However, it makes me feel good. I found a group of women on Ravelry who are knitting for children and grandchildren they hope to have in the future. They each have something called a Hope Chest. Essentially it's a container for the handmade items they have made in advance. I probably should not have read this, however, it's an idea that has given me much pleasure. I am knitting my third little knitted jacket for you. Should you not appear, then I shall give them as gifts to other babies. I am rather enjoying my little secret.
21) Being a mother doesn't come naturally to me. This does not seem to reduce the yawning, gaping void I feel.
22) I like to paint my toenails. They are currently bright red.
23) I am very generous with cuddles and tell my boys that I love them several times a day. Peter does not like this as he's 14.
24) I am currently writing a book, which has been properly commissioned. This makes me very excited and proud of myself.
25) I'm hiding this one in the middle because it properly, seriously worries me. I have ME/CFS. It started about 18 months ago. Most of the time I am well these days, but I do get off days every month or so. There is no evidence that ME is genetic or can be passed to a baby. There is some evidence to suggest ME improves in pregnancy. Having another baby is a huge gamble. I know it is something that worries Papa a lot.
26) I should like to study textiles, music and psychology in the future, ideally to degree level. I have no idea how I will fund this.
27) I like rock music.
28) You know you're getting old when you prefer a nice meal in a quiet pub to a wild night clubbing. I am definitely in this category now.
29) I don't watch soap operas or reality TV, except The Apprentice.
30) I listen to Radio 4.
31) I LOVE driving. It's one of the great joys of my life.
32) My favourite chocolate bar is a Twirl.
33) I am currently loving the colours pale blue and dark red. Or pink and red.
34) I am quite untidy, but a bit anal about cleanliness.
35) I love audiobooks, especially the classics.
36) I really enjoy reading Ladybird books with Charlie. We have quite a collection of old children's stories that I can share with you. I adore the artwork.
37) I used to have my nose pierced. I'd quite like to have it done again.
38) I have never had an operation: when I was at school I dislocated a finger, and whist at university I broke a metatarsal. Apart from two pregnancies, these are my most significant medical events.
39) All being well, I should like a home birth and I shall exclusively breastfeed. I planned both these things with David but they didn't work out. I've not felt too upset by that. I hope to remain as pragmatic.
40) As a family we rarely go abroad on holiday because we just can't afford it. However, we all love camping.
41) I take criticism rather too personally and get upset about things that other people wouldn't even notice. I try REALLY hard not to do this.
42) I love good food; good pub food is something that makes me very excited. I love traditional British food best of all.
43) I used to play the cello when I was at school. When I've mastered the piano, I intend to take it up again.
44) I learned to swim when I was 14. Although I'm not a strong swimmer, I really enjoy being in the water.
45) I can't bear raw tomatoes; they make me heave. But I don't mind them cooked!
46) My favourite perfume is Eden. It comes in a green bottle. I haven't had any for about 3 years and I live in fear that they'll stop making it. It's not especially expensive or desirable, but it's very me.
47) I covet a FB friend's baby, and sometimes imagine that it's you I'm looking at. Her baby reminds me of Peter and David when they were babies. I realise this makes me sound like a nutter. I keep my thoughts to myself.
48) I'm ready to be a mama again EVEN THOUGH I know all about nits! No-one can say that first time round!
49) If I sit really still, I can almost smell your fuzzy little head.
50) I'm not very good at taking risks. Papa and I both like to make sensible decisions. This is why it's so hard to choose to have another baby.
So, now you know some more about me. I'll tell you about the rest of the clan another time.
Sleep tight, little one
Mama x
I don't really have any strong religious views - none that I'm happy to share publicly anyway. However, the very premise of this blog is suggestive of a religious viewpoint as I'm talking to you about life before birth. I kinda wanted to point out that haven't got a drum to bang though.
When David was a baby, he was very unhappy. He cried, screamed, grumped and whinged his way through the first year of his life. Lord, he was so wanted, but he was so hard to live with. In the depths of the night, one of the only ways that I could feel good about the situation was to believe that Papa and I had been picked as his parents because we would not give up on him, and we would love him no matter how hard it was to do so. It was a wise thought because now he is bright, friendly, chatty and confident. You will love him, but he will also drive you a bit mad. That's just how David is.
The idea that someone - maybe you - can choose us as parents is reassuring. It's also interesting as David has long been so insistent about life before birth. These days he's convinced he was a monkey, but he's a bit muddled about evolution. He used to tell me he was happy in the days before he was born. I will write my letters to you in this spirit.
Anyway, on the off chance that it's you that gets to pick us, I suppose you want to know some facts about me. So here are 50.
1) I am 37 years old. I am continually surprised at my mother's view of how this makes me unsuitable for parenthood. To her, being an "older mother" is a thing of great shame.
2) I love Papa more than I can even begin to articulate. He can be a right grump, and he can be very bossy. But he's a good, decent, kind man and every day I am amazed that I managed to find such a wonderful man.
3) A couple of years ago I had a nervous breakdown. I had pushed myself too hard for too long. My business went bust, having worked for 60+ hours a week for two years. It took me a long time to forgive myself, because I felt criminally guilty for a very long time. However, I have seen the therapist and taken all the tablets, and have been drug and therapy free for a long time now. My secret is this: I am not quite sure who I am anymore.
4) My favourite thing to do is to stay at home. I have lots of lovely hobbies, interests and pursuits here, and I could quite happily not see anybody. I am not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing.
5) Despite winning the school high jump championship when I was 11, I am about the most un-sporty person I know.
6) I really rather enjoy grisly crime dramas and am not squeamish in the slightest.
7) except when it comes to vomit. I can steel myself when my children are sick, but I hate it. When I am sick myself I turn into the world's biggest baby.
8) I used to be a secondary school teacher, and then an advisor. I earned more money than I ever dreamed I would. These days I work for peanuts.
9) I loved work. I don't know whether I'll ever be well enough to go back to full time work as I know it, but I should like to.
10) I am learning to play the piano.
11) I have always wanted to visit Japan, especially Tokyo.
12) I love to sing. HOW I love to sing! Sadly, I am rubbish at singing. However, when Papa and I have had a drink and everyone else has gone to bed, we very often have a sing around the piano. Papa also sings badly.
13) People used to tell me I was pretty, but I am a faded, Bagpuss-esque version of my old self. Baggy and a bit loose at the seams. But I actually prefer myself this way.
14) I've got out of the habit of daily grooming. I shower, and I wear clean clothes, but I don't wear make up or do my hair. I don't shave my legs very often either. The thrill of not doing it is deeply enjoyable, and I love to just be myself. When I do make the effort, I feel beautiful. A lot of the mums in the playground think I'm a bit odd, but to me it feels like a win-win situation!
15) I love pretty magazines, especially interiors magazines. There's something lovely about nice pictures.
16) I love the smell and feel of soft cotton. Getting into a freshly made bed is one of the biggest pleasures in my life.
17) I drink too much wine and I eat too much chocolate. I need to lose weight. I should really make more effort to do this.
18) I LOVE to make things. I can knit, crochet, sew, paint, quilt - all sorts of things. I am at my happiest when I am making something.
19) I need 8 hours sleep a night in order to function. This is incompatible with early parenthood.
20) I have started knitting baby clothes for you. This is a secret because, frankly, it's a bit weird and fits into the arena of the unhinged. However, it makes me feel good. I found a group of women on Ravelry who are knitting for children and grandchildren they hope to have in the future. They each have something called a Hope Chest. Essentially it's a container for the handmade items they have made in advance. I probably should not have read this, however, it's an idea that has given me much pleasure. I am knitting my third little knitted jacket for you. Should you not appear, then I shall give them as gifts to other babies. I am rather enjoying my little secret.
21) Being a mother doesn't come naturally to me. This does not seem to reduce the yawning, gaping void I feel.
22) I like to paint my toenails. They are currently bright red.
23) I am very generous with cuddles and tell my boys that I love them several times a day. Peter does not like this as he's 14.
24) I am currently writing a book, which has been properly commissioned. This makes me very excited and proud of myself.
25) I'm hiding this one in the middle because it properly, seriously worries me. I have ME/CFS. It started about 18 months ago. Most of the time I am well these days, but I do get off days every month or so. There is no evidence that ME is genetic or can be passed to a baby. There is some evidence to suggest ME improves in pregnancy. Having another baby is a huge gamble. I know it is something that worries Papa a lot.
26) I should like to study textiles, music and psychology in the future, ideally to degree level. I have no idea how I will fund this.
27) I like rock music.
28) You know you're getting old when you prefer a nice meal in a quiet pub to a wild night clubbing. I am definitely in this category now.
29) I don't watch soap operas or reality TV, except The Apprentice.
30) I listen to Radio 4.
31) I LOVE driving. It's one of the great joys of my life.
32) My favourite chocolate bar is a Twirl.
33) I am currently loving the colours pale blue and dark red. Or pink and red.
34) I am quite untidy, but a bit anal about cleanliness.
35) I love audiobooks, especially the classics.
36) I really enjoy reading Ladybird books with Charlie. We have quite a collection of old children's stories that I can share with you. I adore the artwork.
37) I used to have my nose pierced. I'd quite like to have it done again.
38) I have never had an operation: when I was at school I dislocated a finger, and whist at university I broke a metatarsal. Apart from two pregnancies, these are my most significant medical events.
39) All being well, I should like a home birth and I shall exclusively breastfeed. I planned both these things with David but they didn't work out. I've not felt too upset by that. I hope to remain as pragmatic.
40) As a family we rarely go abroad on holiday because we just can't afford it. However, we all love camping.
41) I take criticism rather too personally and get upset about things that other people wouldn't even notice. I try REALLY hard not to do this.
42) I love good food; good pub food is something that makes me very excited. I love traditional British food best of all.
43) I used to play the cello when I was at school. When I've mastered the piano, I intend to take it up again.
44) I learned to swim when I was 14. Although I'm not a strong swimmer, I really enjoy being in the water.
45) I can't bear raw tomatoes; they make me heave. But I don't mind them cooked!
46) My favourite perfume is Eden. It comes in a green bottle. I haven't had any for about 3 years and I live in fear that they'll stop making it. It's not especially expensive or desirable, but it's very me.
47) I covet a FB friend's baby, and sometimes imagine that it's you I'm looking at. Her baby reminds me of Peter and David when they were babies. I realise this makes me sound like a nutter. I keep my thoughts to myself.
48) I'm ready to be a mama again EVEN THOUGH I know all about nits! No-one can say that first time round!
49) If I sit really still, I can almost smell your fuzzy little head.
50) I'm not very good at taking risks. Papa and I both like to make sensible decisions. This is why it's so hard to choose to have another baby.
So, now you know some more about me. I'll tell you about the rest of the clan another time.
Sleep tight, little one
Mama x
Wednesday 22 June 2011
Well hello there, future child of mine.
I don't yet know whether you will ever exist, mythical child. I have a deep, yawning longing inside me that you will - sometimes it's so big that I'm surprised other people can't see it. But they can't. And I hide it because, well, it's not a very sensible desire. Nobody *needs* three children. There are a million reasons why we should not have another baby, but just one longing, lonely heart that won't go away.
I may as well be honest with you from the start, because one day you may exist and, heck, one day you may be a mama or papa yourself. It's my job to teach you truthfulness and reality. My truth is this: I am already a mama of two big boys and I know first hand just how tough motherhood can be. So this big, yawning void confuses me as much as anyone. I can't tell you why I need you to be in my life, I can just tell you that I feel it, and sometimes I am overwhelmed by it.
Sensible people have their babies, thank God that they're healthy, and then privately thank their lucky stars that all that pregnancy and birth business is over. Then they get on with raising those babies, knowing that each little step the babe takes towards independence is a step closer to getting their old lives back.
I can see the logic in this argument very clearly. I admire it. I enjoy my own space and hobbies. But I don't feel it. My boys are now 14 and and 6, they're big rough and tumble lads with increasingly adult problems. But I don't feel done. There is a gap in my life, a child shaped gap. A gap shaped like you, dear child. My brain knows that it's going to be really, really tough while you're small. That there will never be enough sleep or enough money; I will cry and despair and wonder why I decided to embark on parenthood again. I'll worry about my marriage, and I'll worry that my boys are making too many sacrifices, and that it's effecting them too much. My heart knows that I need you in my life, but it won't give up its secret. Why? Why would I do that to myself again when we're past the dirty nappies and the blood, sweat and tears? I don't know, dear child, really I don't. But I miss you.
However, yours is the birth that I have always anticipated the most, odd as that sounds. I always imagined myself with three children. Two is good; well balanced. I'm happy with two, but deep down I yearn for three. I know this may seem selfish and greedy to some, especially those who struggle to have one child. My heart goes out to those people and I wish I could do something to change the course of fate. But just because X hurts, it doesn't mean that Y doesn't.
I lost a baby when I was quite young, 21, and I grieved alone for a long time. In those lonely and dark hours, I imagined that my pain would allow me to have an extra baby, my youngest, to cherish at a time when I was able to make the most of it. Well, I'm 37 now. Not that many baby making years left. I'm saggy and tired, but I'm settled and more patient and full of love. My hands are now papery, but I'm soft and full of love. I will probably be one of those mamas who moves slowly and scolds gently - unlike the active, strident mother I was to your oldest brother. That's another thing I've learned, dear child. That you're never the same mama twice.
I know this will be the last chance of motherhood that I have. I know that the experience will be so physically and mentally challenging that it might break me or my marriage. And there, dear child, is the dilemma.
Your younger brother, David, often talks to me about life before birth. He's very intrigued about what he did before he was in my tummy. He's talked about this for some years now - maybe three? Which is pretty impressive, and a big concept for a three year old to consider. I'll be honest: I have no idea what life is like before you are born. However, David seems to think it's rather nice. So I'll comfort myself with that thought: that wherever you are, dear child, it's peaceful and comfortable.
Sleep tight, little one
love
Mama x
I may as well be honest with you from the start, because one day you may exist and, heck, one day you may be a mama or papa yourself. It's my job to teach you truthfulness and reality. My truth is this: I am already a mama of two big boys and I know first hand just how tough motherhood can be. So this big, yawning void confuses me as much as anyone. I can't tell you why I need you to be in my life, I can just tell you that I feel it, and sometimes I am overwhelmed by it.
Sensible people have their babies, thank God that they're healthy, and then privately thank their lucky stars that all that pregnancy and birth business is over. Then they get on with raising those babies, knowing that each little step the babe takes towards independence is a step closer to getting their old lives back.
I can see the logic in this argument very clearly. I admire it. I enjoy my own space and hobbies. But I don't feel it. My boys are now 14 and and 6, they're big rough and tumble lads with increasingly adult problems. But I don't feel done. There is a gap in my life, a child shaped gap. A gap shaped like you, dear child. My brain knows that it's going to be really, really tough while you're small. That there will never be enough sleep or enough money; I will cry and despair and wonder why I decided to embark on parenthood again. I'll worry about my marriage, and I'll worry that my boys are making too many sacrifices, and that it's effecting them too much. My heart knows that I need you in my life, but it won't give up its secret. Why? Why would I do that to myself again when we're past the dirty nappies and the blood, sweat and tears? I don't know, dear child, really I don't. But I miss you.
However, yours is the birth that I have always anticipated the most, odd as that sounds. I always imagined myself with three children. Two is good; well balanced. I'm happy with two, but deep down I yearn for three. I know this may seem selfish and greedy to some, especially those who struggle to have one child. My heart goes out to those people and I wish I could do something to change the course of fate. But just because X hurts, it doesn't mean that Y doesn't.
I lost a baby when I was quite young, 21, and I grieved alone for a long time. In those lonely and dark hours, I imagined that my pain would allow me to have an extra baby, my youngest, to cherish at a time when I was able to make the most of it. Well, I'm 37 now. Not that many baby making years left. I'm saggy and tired, but I'm settled and more patient and full of love. My hands are now papery, but I'm soft and full of love. I will probably be one of those mamas who moves slowly and scolds gently - unlike the active, strident mother I was to your oldest brother. That's another thing I've learned, dear child. That you're never the same mama twice.
I know this will be the last chance of motherhood that I have. I know that the experience will be so physically and mentally challenging that it might break me or my marriage. And there, dear child, is the dilemma.
Your younger brother, David, often talks to me about life before birth. He's very intrigued about what he did before he was in my tummy. He's talked about this for some years now - maybe three? Which is pretty impressive, and a big concept for a three year old to consider. I'll be honest: I have no idea what life is like before you are born. However, David seems to think it's rather nice. So I'll comfort myself with that thought: that wherever you are, dear child, it's peaceful and comfortable.
Sleep tight, little one
love
Mama x
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)