50 things about me

Dear Child of Mine,

I don't really have any strong religious views - none that I'm happy to share publicly anyway. However, the very premise of this blog is suggestive of a religious viewpoint as I'm talking to you about life before birth. I kinda wanted to point out that haven't got a drum to bang though.

When David was a baby, he was very unhappy. He cried, screamed, grumped and whinged his way through the first year of his life. Lord, he was so wanted, but he was so hard to live with. In the depths of the night, one of the only ways that I could feel good about the situation was to believe that Papa and I had been picked as his parents because we would not give up on him, and we would love him no matter how hard it was to do so.  It was a wise thought because now he is bright, friendly, chatty and confident. You will love him, but he will also drive you a bit mad. That's just how David is.

The idea that someone - maybe you - can choose us as parents is reassuring. It's also interesting as David has long been so insistent about life before birth. These days he's convinced he was a monkey, but he's a bit muddled about evolution. He used to tell me he was happy in the days before he was born. I will write my letters to you in this spirit.

Anyway, on the off chance that it's you that gets to pick us, I suppose you want to know some facts about me. So here are 50.

1) I am 37 years old. I am continually surprised at my mother's view of how this makes me unsuitable for parenthood. To her, being an "older mother" is a thing of great shame.

2) I love Papa more than I can even begin to articulate. He can be a right grump, and he can be very bossy. But he's a good, decent, kind man and every day I am amazed that I managed to find such a wonderful man.

3) A couple of years ago I had a nervous breakdown. I had pushed myself too hard for too long. My business went bust, having worked for 60+ hours a week for two years. It took me a long time to forgive myself, because I felt criminally guilty for a very long time. However, I have seen the therapist and taken all the tablets, and have been drug and therapy free for a long time now. My secret is this: I am not quite sure who I am anymore.

4) My favourite thing to do is to stay at home. I have lots of lovely hobbies, interests and pursuits here, and I could quite happily not see anybody.  I am not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing.

5) Despite winning the school high jump championship when I was 11, I am about the most un-sporty person I know.

6) I really rather enjoy grisly crime dramas and am not squeamish in the slightest.

7) except when it comes to vomit. I can steel myself when my children are sick, but I hate it. When I am sick myself I turn into the world's biggest baby.

8) I used to be a secondary school teacher, and then an advisor. I earned more money than I ever dreamed I would. These days I work for peanuts.

9) I loved work. I don't know whether I'll ever be well enough to go back to full time work as I know it, but I should like to.

10) I am learning to play the piano.

11) I have always wanted to visit Japan, especially Tokyo.

12) I love to sing. HOW I love to sing! Sadly, I am rubbish at singing. However, when Papa and I have had a drink and everyone else has gone to bed, we very often have a sing around the piano. Papa also sings badly.

13) People used to tell me I was pretty, but I am a faded, Bagpuss-esque version of my old self. Baggy and a bit loose at the seams. But I actually prefer myself this way.

14) I've got out of the habit of daily grooming. I shower, and I wear clean clothes, but I don't wear make up or do my hair. I don't shave my legs very often either. The thrill of not doing it is deeply enjoyable, and I love to just be myself. When I do make the effort, I feel beautiful. A lot of the mums in the playground think I'm a bit odd, but to me it feels like a win-win situation!

15) I love pretty magazines, especially interiors magazines. There's something lovely about nice pictures.

16) I love the smell and feel of soft cotton. Getting into a freshly made bed is one of the biggest pleasures in my life.

17) I drink too much wine and I eat too much chocolate. I need to lose weight. I should really make more effort to do this.

18) I LOVE to make things. I can knit, crochet, sew, paint, quilt - all sorts of things. I am at my happiest when I am making something.

19) I need 8 hours sleep a night in order to function. This is incompatible with early parenthood.

20) I have started knitting baby clothes for you. This is a secret because, frankly, it's a bit weird and fits into the arena of the unhinged. However, it makes me feel good. I found a group of women on Ravelry who are knitting for children and grandchildren they hope to have in the future. They each have something called a Hope Chest. Essentially it's a container for the handmade items they have made in advance. I probably should not have read this, however, it's an idea that has given me much pleasure. I am knitting my third little knitted jacket for you. Should you not appear, then I shall give them as gifts to other babies.  I am rather enjoying my little secret.

21) Being a mother doesn't come naturally to me. This does not seem to reduce the yawning, gaping void I feel.

22) I like to paint my toenails. They are currently bright red.

23) I am very generous with cuddles and tell my boys that I love them several times a day. Peter does not like this as he's 14.

24) I am currently writing a book, which has been properly commissioned. This makes me very excited and proud of myself.

25) I'm hiding this one in the middle because it properly, seriously worries me. I have ME/CFS. It started about 18 months ago. Most of the time I am well these days, but I do get off days every month or so. There is no evidence that ME is genetic or can be passed to a baby. There is some evidence to suggest ME improves in pregnancy. Having another baby is a huge gamble. I know it is something that worries Papa a lot.

26) I should like to study textiles, music and psychology in the future, ideally to degree level. I have no idea how I will fund this.

27) I like rock music.

28) You know you're getting old when you prefer a nice meal in a quiet pub to a wild night clubbing. I am definitely in this category now.

29) I don't watch soap operas or reality TV, except The Apprentice.

30) I listen to Radio 4.

31) I LOVE driving. It's one of the great joys of my life.

32)  My favourite chocolate bar is a Twirl.

33) I am currently loving the colours pale blue and dark red. Or pink and red.

34) I am quite untidy, but a bit anal about cleanliness.

35) I love audiobooks, especially the classics.

36) I really enjoy reading Ladybird books with Charlie. We have quite a collection of old children's stories that I can share with you. I adore the artwork.

37) I used to have my nose pierced. I'd quite like to have it done again.

38) I have never had an operation: when I was at school I dislocated a finger, and whist at university I broke a metatarsal. Apart from two pregnancies, these are my most significant medical events.

39) All being well, I should like a home birth and I shall exclusively breastfeed. I planned both these things with David but they didn't work out. I've not felt too upset by that. I hope to remain as pragmatic.

40) As a family we rarely go abroad on holiday because we just can't afford it. However, we all love camping.

41) I take criticism rather too personally and get upset about things that other people wouldn't even notice. I try REALLY hard not to do this.

42) I love good food; good pub food is something that makes me very excited. I love traditional British food best of all.

43) I used to play the cello when I was at school. When I've mastered the piano, I intend to take it up again.

44) I learned to swim when I was 14. Although I'm not a strong swimmer, I really enjoy being in the water.

45) I can't bear raw tomatoes; they make me heave. But I don't mind them cooked!

46) My favourite perfume is Eden. It comes in a green bottle. I haven't had any for about 3 years and I live in fear that they'll stop making it. It's not especially expensive or desirable, but it's very me.

47) I covet a FB friend's baby, and sometimes imagine that it's you I'm looking at. Her baby reminds me of Peter and David when they were babies. I realise this makes me sound like a nutter. I keep my thoughts to myself.

48) I'm ready to be a mama again EVEN THOUGH I know all about nits! No-one can say that first time round!

49) If I sit really still, I can almost smell your fuzzy little head.

50) I'm not very good at taking risks. Papa and I both like to make sensible decisions. This is why it's so hard to choose to have another baby.

So, now you know some more about me. I'll tell you about the rest of the clan another time.

Sleep tight, little one

Mama x