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Wednesday 21 September 2011

Not getting obsessed

This is me, not becoming obsessed with TTC. Ha!

I promised Papa that we'd "just stop using contraception and see what happened." I meant it when I said it, I really did. I just started off reading a few things, mainly about nutrition, which was fine - sensible, even. I was getting my head around the idea. We talk about names, how we'd parent differently this time, how we'd tell our families... But it was dreaming, and we were going to be so cool about this we'd be sub-zero.

Now, it's month two. I'm going to ovulate at some point in the next couple of days. I have an app tracking my cycle, which, to be fair, I've had for six months. Now it's highly tuned in to fertility symptoms as well as periods. I'm proud to report that my cervix is high, soft and open and I have egg white cervical mucus (if you're wondering what the hell I'm talking about, Google Toni Weschler, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which I read before we starting trying to conceive David.)

I encouraged Papa to move a television up to our bedroom, and may even have spent time making us a lovely little nest to retire to each night at 8pm. Papa didn't mind that bit too much. It has lovely clean linen, fresh towels in the en-suite and scented candles. Lovely. Except that I've developed the motherload of all colds, and have spent the last couple of nights bunged up and sore. But that's not got in the way too much. Nudge-nudge, wink-wink.

Today I took receipt of seven ovulation prediction kits. I did one, and it did not detect my Luteinising Hormone. Panic. What's going on down there? Is it an anovulatory cycle? Or maybe it's because I could hold my wee in for the required four hours? Is it possible I will ovulate on day 15, not 14? I gazed at the faint second line many times, fantasising that it was a positive pregnancy test... I have an ingrown toenail. Last time I had one was the very month that I conceived David. Is it a sign?

What am I doing? What am I DOING? This all feels so lovely, so important, so gripping. I know it's a sort of madness. Today I've been Googling good positions for conception and thinking of ways to keep the sex interesting. I'm also a bit unsure about whether we should make love tonight, because we did it last night, and they say it should be every 2-3 days, but I ovulate on Friday, and what if we miss the egg? Maybe a quickie would be good? But then there's the issue of work, and tiredness and football practice tonight, and children and life getting in the way. It's not sexy if I start with the charts and basal body  temperatures, is it?

It's a kind of lunacy. I'm trying very hard to not share my fever with Papa. I'm trying to be nonchalant. If only getting pregnant could happen as a result of the knowing, intelligent part of your brain. It's too much like a lottery, and much too important to leave to chance.

I'm trying not to kill the magic, but dear Lord, it's hard. Let me trail an air of sparkle and mystery about me, not desperation...

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