Wibble, Wobble

Dear Child of Mine,

I ovulated on Friday; it's rather odd to think that you might be floating inside me already, multiplying hourly and drifting on down to the comfort of my womb. It's sweet - but, forgive me - it's also a bit creepy. Pregnancy is a wonderful and magical time, but I have to say it's been a bit weird to find out that someone else is inhabiting one's body, even though I've pushed that thought to the back of my mind. I must confess, that the first time at least, I may have even coughed out the word parasite. Don't worry, though, I'll get over it. It's a bit like finding out someone's been wearing your knickers.

Papa and I are not really going for sex every 2-3 days throughout my cycle, as is the current guidance. You probably don't want to know this, but I'm guessing that anyone reading a blog about TTC is probably interested. Thankfully - THANK THE LORD! - I am actually ovulating. I *thought* I was, as I have mittelschmertz (crampy pain on ovulation), but it was a great relief to have it confirmed with the ovulation prediction kits. That's one thing less to worry about, with me being almost 40 and all.

Sex every 2-3 days seems rather a lot, especially as one approaches 40. Papa would say he disagrees - but to be honest, there were moments even in the "week of passion" that he looked at me as though I was a mad woman who was only interested in harvesting his sperm. Truth is, he's was pretty much spot on.  I did manage to hold off suggesting that he do the deed himself and I hop on at the last moment. But there's always new depths to be plundered next month...

Actually, it was sweet. We made a little nest in our room and retreated to bed around 8.30pm each night. It started off being rather romantic, with candlelight and drinks and cuddling. By the end of the week when we were mainly both knackered and fantasising about our comfy nest for sleep only, then we had to dig deep and pull and few tricks out of the bag (fnar). But we did it. We managed sex four times in my seven days, which seems somewhat lacklustre written down, I'll be honest, although we both felt as though we deserved a sticker at the time. Maybe we'll be able to achieve the golden seven next month. After ovulation, we've decided to practise baby making strictly for fun. We average at about twice per week. Anymore over exertion than that will surely result in injury?

We looked after a 10 week old baby yesterday, and blimey, that was a shock. I'd forgotten how much jiggling, walking about, rocking and "sshh"ing small babies need. Baby Ruth was an absolute joy, and I was really thrilled to be trusted to look after her. I needed the instruction manual though, crikey. She bawled for about 20 minutes, and I tried everything - shhing, jiggling, feeding, winding, rocking, dummy, bottom changing. At this point I could feel the panic rising. Eventually she looked a bit tired and I managed to cuddle her up just right and rock her off to sleep. She then slept on my lap for three hours!

I'll be honest, at one point I looked at Papa and asked what we had done. He just looked pale and grim and agreed with me. He actually buggered off to the shop at one point to get some crisps for the older children. Then she settled and we had the conversation again. She did cry, and it was a bit scary, but she stopped pretty quickly. David never seemed to stop. It was quite a revelation to look after a "normal" baby. The older children were being a pain though - charging about everywhere, shouting and jumping on me and the baby and kissing her. That added to the stress no end, as each time I'd settled her she'd wake again.I'm not sure whether the experience has left me shocked and scared, or reassured. The rest of the time was lovely baby cuddles, and I know those feel a million times nicer when the baby is actually yours.

Papa is out at a beekeeping event today, so I've plenty of time to reflect on it alone. I'm afraid of those baby days, but we want a third child, so we have to put up with it to get to the size and shape family that we want. I'm feeling a bit anxious about everything. We seem to have so many changes on the horizon: the possibility of a new family member, wondering whether we'll cope, Papa will need to get a new job, we may need to move house as a consequence. It's all a bit overwhelming. If it wasn't for my age I know we wouldn't be planning to have a baby right now, but if we want one then we have to take the gamble...

I'm not really sure what my role in life is right now. I'm trying not to fret and to simply let the breezes of fate blow me wherever I need to go. I'm finding it really, REALLY tough to relax and let this happen. It'll all be OK - won't it?

With love
Mama x